*** Hugs to Erika. ***

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I so easily and quickly would have glommed onto the pro ana message boards, scarfing up the information and hints (while simultaneously starving myself of nourishment.) I would have surreptitiously taken and posted self-portraits positioned in front of the bathroom mirror, angling my body so viewers had the best shots of my protruding hipbones and ribcage. And I would have gloried in being able to tell other pro anas and pro mias about the numbers on my scale.

Yes, I would have been pro ana.  No question.  Case closed.

This leads me to have a great deal of sympathy for those who buy into the whole pro ana and pro mia movement. I mean, I get it. I truly do. As much as I do not support it, I understand it (even if pro anas and mias don’t believe me.) At the height of my eating disorder, I would have been super-excited to share my thoughts, feelings, worries, et cetera, with likeminded individuals.

And that really scares me. Because if the Internet had existed when I was a teen with anorexia, I would absolutely, positively not be living the life I am today.

(For more pro ana Breaking the Mirror posts, click here.)

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Therefore, I suppose it shouldn’t be too surprising that plenty of women and men with eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating turn to self-mutilation.

Don’t believe me? Just head to any pro-ana or pro-mia discussion board. (Or don’t - I wouldn’t want them to trigger any latent EDs.) The subject of “cutting” appears far more frequently than you might imagine.

I’ve tried to uncover figures to see how many anorexics, bulimics and binge eaters tend to “cut” or perform another self-injurious action. Here’s what I’ve found thus far:

• At CaringOnline the authors report that “…A study by Favazza and Conterio (1989) states that episodic and repetitive self-mutilation are frequently seen in conjunction with, or as a replacement for, eating disorders. In a study of 290 self-mutilating women, they found that 22% of the subjects suffered from only bulimia nervosa, 15% from anorexia nervosa and 13% from both disorders, for a total of 50%.”

• At MentalHelp.net, Allan Schwartz, Ph.D. states “…It is not unusual for some people suffering from eating disorders to engage in direct bodily self-harm in an attempt to reduce the emotional pain and suffering. The self-harm can occur in the form of cutting and self-mutilation with a razor, knife or any sharp instrument.”
• TroubledTeen101 claims “…because teens who self-injure or self-mutilate often do not know how to ask for help, it is important to watch for some of these signs that a teen may be harming him or herself, or is at risk for doing so:… Unexplained injuries, such as cuts, scratches, burns, bruises, etc.;… A history of eating disorders…”

When I was at my worst, I never cut, but I would sometimes hit my thighs as hard as I could just to FEEL something besides the agony of loneliness and depression.

Does this whole connection between eating disorders and self-harm resonate with you?

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Therein lies the problem for therapists, family and friends, and eating disordered patients themselves, too.

I’ve always been amazed at the variety of stories and “styles” of eating disorders. For instance, one person with bulimia may binge and purge once a day while another bulimic binges and purges many times in a 24 hour period. Those two people suffering from bulimia are going to require different. very personalized techniques to help them become healthy.

For me, anorexia was a lifestyle, but I was never in-patient nor was I properly diagnosed. I didn’t get so skinny that I needed to be fed intravenously… some people never even realized that I was “too thin” (I’m fairly petite and my stature is small to begin with, so that helped me hide.) However, I don’t feel those items make me any “less” of an anorexic. Yet to some, I realize that my case seems quite “mild”.  (I assure you — it wasn’t.  The mental effects of an eating disorder are much more difficult to see than the physical effects.)

My point to this post? It’s only to say that I know we all have different eating disorders, even if they fall under similar “labels”. Regardless, I still believe that we can band together and tackle our issues so we have a brighter tomorrow.

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They are about the present.

They are about how much we weigh today, how little we ate today, how many calories we expended today. They aren’t about planning five or ten years down the road; no, they are part of the “here and now.”

Yet for most people who suffer from anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS or binge eating disorder, the future does come. And for many, a full-fledged battle with ana or mia subsides into a period of recovery. However, the scars and wounds inflicted during the months, years or even decades of an eating disorder can literally stick with someone for life.

Consider these long-term problems so often experienced by former anorexics and bulimics:

• Infertility - Because female anorexics (and some bulimics) can experience amenorrhea (loss of menstruation), their reproductive systems may be comprised during the battle with ana or mia. Thus, years down the road, a fully recovered woman man not be able to naturally have children due to problems stemming from her ED.
• Osteoporosis - A lack of food eventually causes the body to leach nutrients from itself, including calcium. I’ve known of women in their 30s who have done so much damage to themselves that their bones are as brittle as a senior citizen.
• Heart Damage - Whether it’s from starving oneself or bingeing and purging, damage to the heart is very common in former anorexics, bulimics and even binge eaters. Once it’s been diagnosed, the individual must forever be cautious.

So the question becomes - is all this worth it? Is living for today worth risking tomorrow? At my age (mid-thirties), the answer is no. But when I was in my teens and depressed, I couldn’t see beyond high school let alone college. And I honestly didn’t care what happened.

How can we encourage young people (and older ones) with eating disorders that it’s worth suffering through a difficult recovery to enjoy years that aren’t fraught with irreparable health issues?

Is it even possible?

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Sarah, a commenter, had this to say.  It really impressed me… especially the last bit about commodes:

I was just thinking about this. I have had quite the history with bulimia and while I have mostly overcome it, last week I had gastroenteritis. While sick I made myself throw up multiple times because it made me feel better. I did a lot of thinking about WHY it made me feel better, and when my throat started hurting today (a week after the itis started) I got to thinking about all the germs I introduced to my throat by purging.

While I was actively bulimic (are we ever NOT actively eating disordered?) I never thought about this stuff - but my toilet was the cleanest on the block.

I never considered that bulimics probably have a habit of cleaning their toilets fastidiously.  But it would make perfect sense.  Who wants to have splatters around the rim?  And wouldn’t they be tell-tale signs of bingeing and purging?

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I’m not talking pica in terms of font size, but the medical condition. It’s a strange one, indeed.

A person with pica has a craving for and may (or may not) ingest non-food materials such as clay, dirt, paper, feces (this one is mostly found in kids or those with severe psychoses), hair and many other items that most of us wouldn’t swallow on a bet.

Those suffering from pica are not diagnosed as have eating disorders, per se; after all, the pica is a symptom of something else at work.

For instance, in young children, pica could be simply a strange way of orally “exploring” the world around them or possibly emulating animal behaviors. (Ever watched a dog? They nose around their own waste and sometimes munch it up. Blech.) Many pregnant women also report bouts of pica; in fact, I knew of a woman who craved charcoal while she was carrying twins. (She never ate the stuff but wanted to.)

In the case of eating disordered patients, especially those with anorexia and ED-NOS (which stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified”), pica may stem from the individuals’ naturally compulsive natures. Pica can also be a way to “fill” the stomach with anything other than food or liquid in an attempt to stave off severe hunger pains or put on weight.

Now, I’ve never experienced pica, though I must admit that during the height of my eating disorder I contemplated eating notebook sheets instead of meals. (Yes, I’m serious.) However, from what I’ve read, I’d say that pica is not as uncommon as many believe. In fact, I’m willing to bet there are people who engage in pica behaviors and have no clue there’s a name for it.

Have you ever found yourself eating non-foods for any reason? If so, why?

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I think all of us who have difficulties with eating disorders are addicted in some way to some thing(s). But is there a way to turn an addictive personality into a good rather than negative aspect of one’s life?  I’m hoping so.

For instance, I truly believe that the “fuel” for my ED addiction was the need for control in my life. Like many teens, I felt alone and abandoned; consequently, I used those depressing feelings to help create an identity for myself: The Anorexic One.  Though this identity was actually out-of-control, it gave me a sense of stability and comfort. Thus, I had a perception of control and my addiction was satisfied.

At this point, I’ve fought my addiction to ana for almost two decades; however, my intense need for control (that nasty little troll that started the whole mess!) has not subsided. Rather than evict control, though, I’m attempting to turn my controlling bent into something positive:  control over my career, control over my personal life, control over how I treat my family.

Does this method of only slightly feeding my control issues work? Not entirely. I still want more control and I suppose I always will. I balk at being told what to do (it’s a good thing I was never treated in-patient… can you imagine?) I am a bit defiant at times, too.

Yes, I’m an addict. I just get my “high” from being in control rather than from drugs, sex or alcohol. But I hope I’ve found lifelong ways to a) be in control in a healthy manner; and b) be less in control of circumstances that need little to no control in the first place.

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Let me preface this post by telling you that I’m not a germaphobe. Far from it. I don’t get too grossed out by a messy house. If a potato chip falls on the floor, I casually brush it off and happily eat it. But the more I thought about the subject I’m about to bring up, the more it gave me a case of the good old-fashioned willies.

Here goes:

Every time you stick your fingers down your throat, you are introducing millions of germs into your body. Some of these germs are probably present anyway, of course. But there must be some that shouldn’t be wiped on your sensitive throat and mouth tissues, right? Even if you diligently wash your hands before purging, you could be infecting yourself with a nasty strain of god knows what.

Um. Ew.

It’s no wonder people who purge have more colds, sore throats, viruses, you name it. I used to think it was because they were irritating their esophagi or they were just too run down to fight off diseases. Now, I’m beginning to rethink that assessment. Maybe part of the problem is that any germs on their hands or fingers lands smack dab in their throats.

Truly, I never thought about this before, probably because I’ve had difficulty with anorexia, not bulimia. (And I’m not suggesting that bulimics are “worse” than anorexics; we all have disturbing elements to consider thanks to our eating disorders. This is just one of those elements I hadn’t mused about previously.)

So… am I alone in thinking about this weird topic? Is it something you’ve mulled over, too?

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All I can say is WOW!

There are some amazing items up for grabs, although I have to admit that most are well out of my price range. Fortunately for cash-strapped people like me, more items will appear each day or so as the auction’s end date (December 2) approaches, so check out this neat fundraiser on a regular basis.

(Incidentally, I’m not part of NEDA nor have I been approached by the group. I just wanted to give a shout out to them because I know that monies raised support programs that NEDA runs throughout the year. And any awareness of eating disorders helps breaks their vicious hold.)

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