Moms & daughters — ana together?
As many of you know, I wrote a short story many years ago that I posted here at Breaking the Mirror. The writing was pitiful (my apologies!), but the concept is one that still haunts me:
Are some mothers and daughters essentially “pro-ana” teams?
I’ve never personally known any mom-daughter relationships that fit this desciption, but I’ve heard through-the-grapevine reports that they exist.
If you’re the daughter of an anorexic (or bulimic) and you’re struggling with eating disorders yourself, I’d like to hear your side of the story.
Do you think that your mother’s battle with Ana (or Mia) had a huge impact on your own ED tendencies? Or do you feel that anorexia and bulimia are more “nature” than “nurture” (e.g., you share some of your mom’s genes, so perhaps you both got the eating disordered ones)?
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POSTED IN: Ana, Anorexia, Bulimia, Mia, parenting, proana, writings
5 opinions for Moms & daughters — ana together?
Erin
May 19, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Most definitely. My mother hasn’t even been diagnosed with an eating disorder but her disordered eating behaviors and thoughts have definitely impacted both my sister and I beyond my mother’s own recognition.
Earlier this week my mother (size 2) and my sister (size 8) both played the “How much weight do I need to lose” game. Yeah. And just for the record…it was not an experience I’d ever want to re-visit.
We grew up drinking sweet tea without sugar. Still in the south…but sugar was “bad.” We didn’t have sweeteners at all. Diet sodas only. Don’t ever finish your plate. Hungry? Eat vegetables. Really want a snack? Fine…eat some rice cakes. Vanilla wafers. Saltines. Alright! Alright…eat a fig newton.
Tough when you have a daughter like me who absolutely hates vegetables and has a major sweet tooth. You do ANY thing to get her to give up her comfort food. You can’t go to PROM unless you get a date. You can’t date unless you wear at MOST an 8.
Growing up hearing your mother brag about how she gave birth to you and wasn’t EVEN 100 lbs is pretty sick. Growing up and knowing that a baked potato and salad was on the menu for dinner because she felt like she was gaining weight…tough. Always having to REASSURE her that she’s NOT fat when she’s frantic that she’s gained 2 lbs and is currently at 105 when dear God you’d love to get down to 150…
When your mother hates her body because it’s far from her ideal of perfect or just livable…then you end up hating your body and her as well. Not to pin all on the blame on her…but she’s literally said she’d be anorexic before she got as fat as my sister. Yeah, the same sister who’s smaller than me. And that was heartbreaking…
angelique
May 20, 2008 at 7:36 am
Erin:
My jaw just dropped as I read and re-read your post.
I don’t know your mother, don’t know her demons… but I can’t imagine how she could feel comfortable saying such things to her daughter.
I’m curious — do you ever want to have kids? Or has this experience made you wary of passing along an ED to children?
I know that was a huge concern for me; perhaps the fact that I have a boy is a good thing because he’s statistically less likely to have an eating disorder thanks to his gender.
NinaBeana
May 20, 2008 at 8:14 pm
My mom is not anorexic or bulimic either….. but her disordered behaviors, and inappropriate behavior with me has definitely fueled my disorder.
My mom has always been super slim, barely breaking 110Lbs. I have varied between 93 and 165. She’s always on diets and taking diet pills and complaining about her weight.
She has always made my weight a central focus. I get comments on my gains/losses before even hugs and hellos. When at my heaviest she was incredibly verbally abusive and called me every name in the book. She even threatened to stop paying for school unless I stopped binging and purging and started loosing.
I get rewards and gifts when at my lower weights. I got a new car when I got down to my lowest weight.
I have gotten diet pills and exercise tapes in my easter baskets and Christmas stockings for years. Our relationship revolves around my appearence.
A couple times I have broken down and tried to tell her that my dieting, fasting, and purging was destroying me…. she just responds that I am melodramatic and don’t know how to balance dieting.
My feelings towards her are all over the place and I love her as much as I hate her to be honest.
angelique
May 20, 2008 at 9:01 pm
NinaBeana:
As I said to Erin, I have no way of knowing why your mother feels the need to belittle you this way, but I think it’s horrifying regardless.
I’m glad you are in tune with those crazy feelings of love and hate (don’t they seem like two sides of the same coin?) Please know that people out in the blogosphere are pulling for you to end your disordered eating and find a place of happiness!
Thanks so much for commenting — it really opened my eyes.
Erin
May 21, 2008 at 1:40 am
good question Angelique,
When I was younger I always wanted kids just to prove that I could do it better than my parents. It was honestly the one thing that kept me going somedays…a family so completely functional and unlike the one I was born into. As I got older though, less secure and confident, it was more about I can’t pass on these bad genes. I don’t want her (future daughters) to go through this. My mother’s a kind woman. She doesn’t know…she doesn’t get it. As beautiful as life is…as much as I appreciate it…I worry about turning into this woman. I know there’s something about this disorder that is learned…I see that firsthand when my young nephew makes comments about being too fat and needing to lose weight and wanting to not eat pizza because no one likes a little fat boy. At least I’m in recovery, so maybe there’s hope that I’ll feel like I can do it right…or at least better than my parents. But there’s still that fear that you do what you know…no matter how harmful or hurtful and wrong. It’s a cycle…like domestic violence and teenaged pregnancy and drug abuse and alcoholism. Not really sure how to break it
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