Face-to-Face with EDs: An Interview with… Me
I thought I’d do something a little different today, so I’ve decided to interview myself [see very casual webcam pic] for this installment of Face-to-Face with EDs.
Join me as I play both the interviewer and the interviewee…
======================================
Breaking the Mirror (BtM): When did you know you were anorexic?
Angelique (A): When I first lost quite a bit of weight after seventh grade, I just thought I was “dieting”. I didn’t realize that eating a slice of pizza for the entire day was harmful. I just figured that’s what it took to lose weight.
Sometime during eighth grade, though, I began to hear more and more about anorexia, and it occurred to me that I “had” it. Ironically, that fact didn’t bother me at all.
BtM: Really? Why not?
A: Well, most people don’t like to think that there’s an “up” side to anorexia, but in our culture, there definitely is.
The truth of the matter is that I liked being anorexic, at least at first. Everyone said, “Oh! You’re too skinny!” After years of hearing, “You’re fat” or “You’re pleasantly plump”, it was great to be told I needed to eat.
I also loved the power of anorexia. I really got a kick out of seeing how little I could ingest on a daily basis. I was driven to keep food out of my stomach, and I was willing to do almost anything to lose pounds and inches.
I used to take my dinner to my bedroom at night and I always returned with an empty plate. I used a variety of means to “dispose” of the contents of the plate… and my parents never questioned me.
BtM: When did the anorexia stop being enjoyable?
A: The “rush” of it began to end in high school. It became harder and harder to stay social because I hated to have people see me eat. And I began to hate myself, too. I was never going to be good enough, thin enough, beautiful enough… I was thoroughly depressed and defeated. Those were dark years. However, they were necessary because they helped me escape from ana’s clutches.
BtM: When did you start eating normally again?
A: To be perfectly honest, it took many years before I could just enjoy a meal. And I still have days where my first instinct upon looking in the mirror is to restrict. But I don’t act upon those impulses.
I’ve accepted that anorexia will always be a part of who I am, but that doesn’t mean I have to actively engage in self-destructive behavior. For the sake of myself, my family, and my friends I hope to never return to ana’s grip.
2 opinions for Face-to-Face with EDs: An Interview with… Me
Gabrielle
Feb 1, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Great idea. Excellent post, Angelique. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us.
angelique
Feb 2, 2008 at 8:08 am
Gabrielle:
I’m glad you liked it! I didn’t want to come across as a know-it-all, but I did want to share more of my experiences. :)
Have an opinion? Leave a comment: