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Face to Face with EDs: An Interview with Mary W.

by angelique on January 24th, 2008

I thought it would be fascinating to hear from a mother of daughters for today’s Breaking the Mirror “Face to Face with EDs” interview. After all, raising young women to be self-confident in our society can be dicey at times.

Consequently, I’d like to welcome Mary Witzl, a fabulous writer whose wisdom and stories can be found (in part) at her terrifically engaging blog, ResidentAlien.

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Breaking the Mirror (BtM):

Mary, you have two girls — one who can eat whatever she wants and one who has more trouble managing her weight. How are you striving to ensure that both turn out to be healthy adults without body image issues?

Mary:

Well, it hasn’t always been easy! My eldest was a scrawny baby and put on weight only very slowly. My youngest girl was a butterball — the largest baby in the hospital — and she put on plenty of weight.

Oddly enough, a few years later, they had done a switch.

One year, they each brought home a letter from school warning me that they were at the extreme ends of the weight scale. My eldest was borderline overweight while the youngest was borderline underweight. My eldest had a wonderfully healthy appetite, always clearing her plate and eating plenty of fruits and vegetables, whereas her sister had to be pushed to eat anything. I often had to tempt my youngest with fattening foods to get her to put on weight, but the minute my back was turned I would find her giving the food to her borderline overweight sister. I felt like crying.

Both of my girls are, to me, infinitely beautiful in different ways.

To my eldest, I am always pointing out examples of girls who are, like her, curvy, with plenty of flesh. She resembles my mother, who had the same hour-glass figure, and I make sure to tell her this and compliment her good appetite.

Her sister is a real beanpole, and I tell her that she too is beautiful with her willowy figure and long legs — in a wholly different way from her sister. I never have to work hard to compliment them: they both really look fantastic to me, and although they squirm and complain, I reserve the right to hug them whenever I get the chance.

BtM:

Have the girls ever expressed to you a desire to look different than they do?

Mary:

Yes, this is pretty much a constant worry.

The eldest, a blonde, wishes that she had dark hair (she won’t come out and say that she wishes she had our youngest’s hair color because she won’t give her the satisfaction!), whereas my youngest, who has never been as photogenic as our eldest, has often expressed the desire to look like her sister.

Sometimes, people will compliment one in front of the other, and this always causes friction. I did this myself once: my youngest was trying on some hand-me-downs and I complimented her svelte figure and managed to reduce my eldest to tears. I felt like a heel — and like I was walking a tight-rope.

BtM:

On your blog, you mention that you feel the book Body Drama by Nancy Redd is helping you raise daughters who realize that individuality (rather than conformity) is beautiful. Can you explain what about this book speaks to you?

Mary:

What I like about Body Drama is Redd’s message to girls that there are many different kinds of beauty.

I know that sounds like a cliche, but just leafing through Body Drama, you can see that this book really does celebrate girls in all their individuality and complexity. You would think that a former beauty pageant winner [Redd] would have a You too can look this good, girls! message instead of one that promotes beauty diversity.

I like what Nancy says about different body types, too, and my girls and I were heartened to learn that a lot of the photographs of impossibly beautifully women are doctored images.

BtM:

What words of advice do you have for mothers (and fathers) out there who are raising daughters in this body-conscious society?

Mary:

I’d tell parents to be aware of society’s unrealistic expectations of feminine beauty and to point out to their daughters how Madison Avenue, Hollywood, and the cosmetics industry have distorted our perceptions of beauty.

And I would ask them to refrain from making comments on the physical features of others, especially women, who are judged so much on their appearance.

One thing I have never done is make disparaging comments on how others look, and yet I’ve observed other parents — especially mothers — doing this from time to time: God, look how big around her thighs are or Doesn’t that lady have a huge nose? If we ourselves are hyper-conscious of others’ appearances and buy into beauty myths, how can we expect our daughters to do otherwise?

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Mary, all my gratitude goes out to you and your family. Thank you!

I invite Breaking the Mirror readers to leave comments here and let us know what insights you’d like to add to what Mary has shared today.

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