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Face-to-Face with EDs: Interview with Meg

by angelique on January 10th, 2008

This is the second in an ongoing series of interviews with people who’ve either had eating disorders (EDs) or who spend their time helping those who do.

Today’s interview is with Meg, a successful young woman whose journey from anorexia to mental and physical health is inspirational and informative.  I truly thank her for sharing her experiences with us.

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INTERVIEW WITH MEG 

Breaking the Mirror (BtM):  What is your age? 

Meg (M):  24 

BtM:  Are you in school or working? 

M:  I have both my B.S. and my M.S. and I’m a fulltime engineer.

BtM:  When and how did your eating disorder start?

M:  Growing up, I was very competitive in school, sports, and dance. Towards the latter portion of elementary school, I was relentlessly teased by a group of girls. The teasing combined with the tortures of adolescence and my competitive nature drove me to pursue “perfection” in school, in dance, and in physical appearance.

In eighth grade I joined the cross-country team while maintaining my dance commitment of 16 hours a week. By ninth grade I was very toned, had a lot of energy, and received compliments from my peers, the same peers who used to tease me.

After doing research in magazines (Shape and Fitness), I gathered that the next step towards a perfect body was to reduce consumption of “bad foods.” Being the perfectionist I was, I became a vegan and eliminated all “junk food” except lowfat ice cream (barely junk food). The weight started to fall off ~ enter the scale.

By tenth grade, I was playing three numbers: calories, scale, and exercise. I would try to achieve a certain number of calories a day.  I just tried to eat as little as possible at each meal. Sometimes I would add up the calories at night and freak out and eat more. The scale became a method of measuring the size of the next “meal” I should consume… or if I should go exercise. The exercise had to be done every night in addition to cross-country and dance… or else.

Compliments became concern. I was always light-headed. My tiny clothes would fall off me even though I had several layers of clothes on because I was always freezing. I had always dealt with mild depression, but my depression and anxiety became deep and all-consuming.

I recognized I had a problem.  Every time I tried to eat and act “normal” my illness would compensate the next day. Finally, I saw the scale numbers drop to a disgusting low and I asked my mom for help…. I knew I couldn’t get better on my own.

BtM:  During the midst of your eating disorder, did you find there were times when you enjoyed being anorexic and/or bulimic?

M:  Being over seven years removed from my illness, it is challenging to remember any positive feeling I had at the time.  

I remember in the midst of depression and anxiety, restricting would temporarily comfort me. Sometimes, after gaining weight, I would lose it again just to make sure that I could. 

However, most of my memories from that time in my life are dark. I hated myself and my life so much, I just wanted it all to be over. I felt so abnormal… so alone… so imperfect. 

BtM:  How and when did you decide to get help?

M:  As I explained, I knew I needed to get help because I feared for my life.

I’ll never forget: early January of my tenth grade year, my mom and I drove to the state hospital to have a meeting with doctors and counselors specializing in eating disorders. We were going to go shopping afterwards. When the doctors saw me, I was immediately put in a wheel chair, rushed into a room and put on I.V.s and harnessed to an EKG machine. They thought I might die that night…. I wasn’t allowed to leave for two months.

To make a long story short, I didn’t like the program. I felt disrespected by the staff. It focused on medical only, not emotional. Needless to say, upon leaving, I began to lose weight again.

By winter break of my junior year in high school, I asked for help again. This time it was a physiological outpatient treatment facility that focused on normalcy. I maintained my weight, but was still petrified of gaining weight.

After a 9 month legal battle with our insurance company, the company agreed to cover my admission to Renfrew Center. I received outpatient treatment for three weeks. The facility tackled everything: medical and physical. It was there that I began to “snap out of it” (my eating disorder).

BtM:  If you could go back in time and talk to yourself pre-ED, what advice would you give?

M:  There is no such thing as perfection.

High school will end and college is so much better.

See a nutritionist; do not rely on magazines and internet resources.

Life can be enjoyable, happiness and contentment are possible.

Boys/Guys/Men do and will find you attractive.

Eating disorders affect you chance of fertility.

Take care of your body, it is the vessel you will spend the rest of your life in.

BtM:  How do you currently “reach out” to young people in order to educate them about eating disorders?

M:  Former doctors and dancing contacts ask me to speak to groups of eating disorder patients and young dancers. My greatest impact thus far has been with a close friend.

My senior year at college (my 4th year of recovery), I lived with two other girls. One of the girls was bulimic. I offered my help and my contacts, but her illness spiraled exponentially out of control. I finally told that if she didn’t get help, either she was leaving or I was.  We didn’t have to make a decision: later that day, her parents came and pulled her from the house.

I helped them with contacts and the girl began treatment. By the end of the school year, she moved back into the house.

As a person who experienced anorexia, I can tell if a person is suffering with an ED by the way he/she eats, selects food, and acts. I think it is important for anyone in recovery to know their limits. Only ED sufferers who truly want health and are deeply committed to getting better will.

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All my thanks to Meg for her openness. 

Look for more Face-to-Face with EDs each Thursday at Breaking the Mirror.  (And if you’d like to share your story with readers, contact me at lemonpepr@aol.com to schedule an interview.)

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POSTED IN: Anorexia, Break the Mirror, Interview, Renfrew Center, prevention