“I know.”
I see them wherever I go. In the grocery store. At the gym. With their kids at the park.
Anorexic mommies and teachers. Bulimic sales reps and lawyers. They’re all around us. But they often blend in so well that even those closest to them don’t recognize the disease that’s threatening to destroy them from the inside out.
Usually, they are unaware of my gaze (or even my presence.) They miss my glances at their teeth, those deep lines around their mouths, their bones popping forth even in heavy jeans and a jacket, the deep pain in their eyes.
Occasionally, they see me… but they cannot see my thoughts:
“I know.”
It’s what I long to say to them. It’s what I wish I were bold enough to share. Just once, I’d like to walk up to a stranger and say those words, to make a connection, to bare my soul, if only for an instant.
Because, you see, I do know.
When I was in my teens, I became caught up in a whirlwind of dieting activity. Add to my fervent weight loss a host of other emotional and social ups and downs and I soon developed anorexia. Like a sandstorm, it swept over me and I found myself engulfed by the lies, the rituals, the fear, the anxiety, the mania, the panic, the self-loathing, the denial.
It took many years for me to accept myself… and to be perfectly honest, I’m still learning how to break the mirror.
As the new author of this blog, I want to take every reader on a journey beyond what they already know about eating disorders. I want to hold the hand of the sufferer and give kudos to those who work to combat these little-understood conditions. I want to hear from parents, lovers, educators, medical personnel, and colleagues. I am here to offer non-judgmental thoughts, advice, opinions, and, most of all, understanding.
“I know.”
Let’s start kicking down our perceived barriers together. Let’s bring this disorder to its knees. Let’s move forward and never look back.
And don’t worry about the mirror — it won’t feel a thing. Believe me. I know.
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POSTED IN: Anorexia, Break the Mirror, Bulimia
7 opinions for “I know.”
Marijke
Dec 21, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Very good post. It really brings to light the fact that there are people who can recognize others with the same problem.
angelique
Dec 21, 2007 at 5:55 pm
Marijke:
Thanks for the feedback. I’ll be writing next on why it’s important not to make assumptions about people, though. I have encountered very thin, very HEALTHY women and guys who aren’t eating disordered at all. So it’s critical not to jump to conclusions. The people I describe in my post are very obviously in physical and emotional distress, though I’m sure many manage to hide it well.
Kristen King
Dec 21, 2007 at 6:18 pm
Angelique, you’re clearly off to a great start. I can’t wait to see where you go with the blog. As a disordered eater, I appreciate hearing others’ experiences and knowing that I’m not the only one struggling with this stuff.
kk
Erin
Dec 21, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I really appreciate this post Angelique. Although I’m not sure how I’d respond if someone ever saw the pain and my eyes and knew the source and came up to me. Maybe hearing, “I know” wouldn’t make me feel sooo bad. That emotional connection is pretty powerful.
But here’s the thing…I’m not so sure it’s the mirror that needs to be broken, so much as it is the eating disorder. I know why I want the mirror broken…but it’s because of the way it makes me feel when I look at it. Maybe that’s part of it, that the mirror doesn’t reflect who I am, what I feel, who I love and who loves me…but only what I look like (and my perception is preTTY screwed) Sometimes I’d like to not break the mirrors, but to take a deep long look at them. Take it for what it is, see the beauty there’s there and know that the majority of the beauty lies within. Breaking it, avoiding it, almost feeds into the fear of what drives me to continue these behaviors because I’m not facing it.
Ah well! Welcome! And I look forward to more frequent posting!
Jennifer
Dec 21, 2007 at 11:21 pm
Angelique, welcome to b5 and this blog. I’m way excited that you’re here — the health channel is very lucky to have such an amazing and approachable blogger joining them. Sending happy launch thoughts your way — before I get too busy to do so. :D Hopefully I will see you at the forums as well.
Alicia Sparks, NAMI Affiliation Leader
Dec 22, 2007 at 1:37 am
Welcome Angelique! What a great post to get started with :)
angelique
Dec 26, 2007 at 3:53 pm
KK: It’s good to know that we’re not alone, isn’t it?
Erin: Thanks so much for visiting! I look forward to hearing your views as someone who is currently going through the struggle.
Jennifer: You’re my heroine! :) Thanks for stopping by!
Alicia: Thank you!
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